Who to Have in the Delivery Room: How to Choose the Right Birth Support Team

If you wouldn’t poop in front of them, they probably shouldn’t be at your birth.

There. I said it.

Birth is raw. It’s intimate. It’s not a performance, it’s a sacred, bodily experience where you should feel completely safe, respected, and unobserved. Choosing your birth team is one of the most important (and underrated) decisions you’ll make on this journey. The people in your birth space matter. Not just the medical professionals, but every single person who walks through that door.

Let’s talk about how to choose your birth team with intention, how to set boundaries around who doesn’t get a seat at the birth, and how to build a team that makes you feel like the fierce, powerful force of nature that you are.

Why Your Birth Team Matters

When I say “birth team,” I’m talking about anyone who plays a role in your birth experience. That includes:

• Your medical provider (OB, midwife, etc.)

• Nurses or birth center staff

• Your partner or support person

• Your doula

• Friends or family members you invite

• And yes—anyone else who “wants to be there”

Here’s the hard truth: just because someone loves you doesn’t mean they belong in your birth space.

I’ve seen it firsthand, clients who brought in their mother, sister, best friend, or aunt, only to realize in the middle of labor that their presence was throwing everything off. The vibe shifted. The energy tensed. And the birthing person couldn’t fully relax into the process.

Your hormones are delicate. Birth flows when you feel calm, supported, and unobserved. If someone in the room is making you feel self-conscious, judged, or pressured, your labor can literally stall. That’s not drama. That’s physiology.

The “Poop Rule”: A Simple Test That Works

Here’s a little test I always share with clients:

Would you feel comfortable pooping in front of this person?

Because let’s be real, birth is messy. It’s primal. It’s not about being polite or put-together or impressing anyone. If you wouldn’t be okay bearing down on a toilet while they watched, they probably shouldn’t be there while you’re pushing out a baby.

It sounds funny, but it’s one of the most effective tools I know for helping you sort out who truly belongs on your birth team.

The Core of a Supportive Birth Team

A supportive birth team:

• Trusts you. They believe in your ability to give birth.

• Respects your choices. Even if they would’ve made different ones for themselves.

• Doesn’t project their fear onto you. They don’t bring “What if something goes wrong?” energy into the room.

• Knows when to step back. They support without hovering or interfering.

• Reinforces your voice. They advocate with you, not over you.

This is why I tell clients not to invite someone just because “they’ll be hurt if I don’t.” You are not responsible for managing someone else’s feelings while you’re in labor. You are responsible for protecting your peace, and I give you full permission to do exactly that.

Choosing the Right Provider

Your provider is the cornerstone of your birth team. Whether you're working with an OB or a midwife, they need to align with your birth goals.

Here’s what I recommend asking:

• How do you support unmedicated births?

  • Even if you plan on getting an epidural it can be important to know how they support a physiological birth.

• What’s your cesarean rate?

  • The national average is somewhere around 305 but WHO estimates an optimal rate is somewhere closer to 15%

• Do you allow movement during labor and different pushing positions?

  • Movement is one of the most important components to labor progress and even with an epidural there are so many ways to support baby's decent through your pelvis.

• What’s your philosophy on birth interventions?

  • Do they view interventions as a routine part of birth? Or tools to use when needed?

• Do you work well with doulas?

  • A good care provider should encourage you to seek doula support and not feel threatened by their presence.

And trust your gut. If you leave your appointments feeling dismissed, rushed, or uneasy, that’s a sign. You are allowed to switch providers. Yes—even in the third trimester. You deserve care that makes you feel seen, heard, and respected.

Why Your Doula Matters

A doula is the bridge between your wishes and your reality. They provide emotional, physical, and informational support before, during, and after birth. I’m biased, but I believe having a doula on your birth team is one of the best decisions you can make. We’re trained to protect your space, advocate for your desires, and help you feel grounded through every contraction.

Hiring a doula isn’t a luxury, it’s an investment in your experience. You deserve to feel supported every step of the way.

Setting Boundaries with Family & Friends

This is where it gets sticky, right?

Maybe your mom thinks she should be there because she gave birth to you. Or your sister says she “just wants to support you.” Or your best friend assumes she’s invited because you were at her birth.

Listen: Just because someone wants to be there doesn’t mean it’s what’s best for you.

Here’s how to approach it:

1. Get clear first.

Decide who you want and why. Don’t make it about pleasing anyone. Make it about your peace and your preferences.

2. Use honesty + love.

Try something like:

“I’ve been thinking a lot about who I want in my birth space, and I’ve decided to keep it very small and focused. It’s nothing personal, it’s about creating the environment I need to feel safe and supported.”

3. Let your doula help.

One of the perks of having me on your team? I can help be the buffer. I’ll reinforce the boundaries you set and make sure your space stays sacred.

Birth Is Not a Spectator Sport

It’s okay to say no.

It’s okay to protect your energy.

It’s okay to choose people who will lift you up, not people who will weigh you down.

Your birth team should feel like a warm, supportive circle. The people around you should bring calm, confidence, and quiet strength, not anxiety, doubt, or judgment. Birth is one of the most powerful things you’ll ever do. You don’t need cheerleaders who want front row seats. You need witnesses who honor your strength and hold space for you to unfold, whatever that looks like.

Final Thoughts: Trust Your Gut, Mama

I’ve attended births where the right team made all the difference. Where the room was quiet, steady, grounded. Where the birthing person felt held, emotionally, physically, spiritually. Those births? They were beautiful. Powerful. Transformative.

You deserve that.

So choose your team with intention. Don’t let guilt dictate your decisions. Set boundaries. Ask hard questions. Trust your instincts.

And remember, if you wouldn’t poop in front of them, they don’t belong in the room.

Ready to Build Your Birth Dream Team?

If you’re feeling overwhelmed about who to include, how to have tough conversations, or what kind of support you actually need, I can help. My personalized birth planning sessions and doula support are designed to help you create a birth experience that feels fully yours, from start to finish.

Reach out to book a doula service consult or learn more about how I can support you in building the birth team you deserve.

You were made for this. And you don’t have to do it alone.