How to Find Your Parenting Style (And Drown Out the Noise)

Let’s be honest: Parenting advice is everywhere. The internet is shouting, your great-aunt is giving unsolicited tips, the books are contradictory, and let’s not even start on the social media “perfect moms."

You’re trying to find your way in the middle of it all, wondering:

• What kind of parent am I supposed to be?

• Is there a right parenting style?

• And what if I don’t fit into a box?

If you’ve ever felt that spiral of self-doubt, I want you to know: you are not alone. I’ve been there, too. I’m still there sometimes. But what I’ve learned (and what I want you to hear, loud and clear) is this:

You don’t have to parent like anyone else. You get to find what works for you.

Let’s break it all down and help you feel grounded in your role as a parent, even if you’re still figuring it out as you go.

What Are the Main Parenting Styles?

If you’ve Googled “parenting styles,” you’ve probably come across the big four:

• Authoritarian: Strict rules, high expectations, little room for negotiation. Think “Because I said so.”

• Authoritative: High expectations and high support. Clear boundaries, but warmth and communication matter.

• Permissive: More freedom, fewer rules. Parents are nurturing but tend to avoid enforcing limits.

• Neglectful: Low on both responsiveness and expectations. Limited engagement or emotional connection.

These categories come from psychological research, and while they can be helpful for reflection, they’re not one-size-fits-all. Real-life parenting isn’t a clean chart—it’s messy, personal, and layered with your lived experience, values, and personality.

If you’re like me, you might find yourself bouncing between styles depending on the day, your energy level, and whether or not your toddler has flung her lunch all over the floor for the second time.

And that’s okay.

Why It’s Not About Picking a Style—It’s About Finding Your Role

Here’s the truth no one talks about enough:

Your role as a parent isn’t to fit into a mold. It’s to show up with intention.

Being a parent isn’t about controlling your child. It’s about guiding them, supporting their autonomy while also giving them the structure they need to thrive.

There’s no “best” parenting style for every child. There’s only what’s best for your child, your personality, and your unique dynamic. That might mean you lean authoritative on most days but bring in a little more permissiveness when your kid just needs to feel heard. That might mean you break some of the “rules” the experts preach because you know what works in your house.

I’ll be real with you: I used to think I had to get it “right.” But they didn’t always work for me, and they certainly didn’t work for my kid. What did work? Trusting my gut. Staying curious. Showing up again and again with love and flexibility, even when it was messy.

The Role You Play Isn’t Just for Your Child—It’s for You, Too

Parenting doesn’t mean losing who you are. In fact, one of the biggest challenges (and opportunities) is learning how to hold on to your own identity while nurturing your child’s.

Are you the structured one who thrives on routine? Awesome. Use that strength to create rhythm and predictability. Are you the silly one who can turn any moment into play? Incredible. Your child is learning joy and flexibility from you. Are you the nurturer who knows when your baby needs an extra-long hug or a slow morning? That’s powerful emotional intelligence.

You don’t need to be everything. You just need to be you, the version of you who is willing to learn, love, and grow alongside your child.

How to Start Finding Your Parenting Role

Still not sure where you land? Here are some reflection questions to help you get clear:

• What values matter most to me in my parenting?

• What parts of parenting feel most natural to me?

•  What moments make me feel most connected to my child?

• When do I feel most disconnected or overwhelmed?

• Who am I trying to impress—or who’s voice am I hearing when I doubt myself?

And most importantly:

• What do I want my child to remember about me and their childhood?

These answers will shape your parenting role far more than any article ever could.

Honoring Your Journey (Even When It Feels Uncertain)

There’s no badge for picking the “right” parenting style. And there’s no shame in changing your approach as your child grows, or as you grow.

Parenting is dynamic. What worked at one stage might not work the next. What felt right for your first child might not land the same with your second. And what seemed like a failure last week might turn into a meaningful lesson next month.

I know what it’s like to question yourself. To wonder if you’re doing enough. To compare yourself to other moms and feel like you’re falling short.

But hear this:

You’re the exact parent your child needs. Not because you’re perfect. But because you’re present, intentional, and willing to show up.

That matters more than any label or trend.

Final Thoughts: You Were Made for This

Parenting isn’t easy. It stretches you, breaks you open, and rebuilds you again and again. It asks you to lead with love when you’re exhausted, to keep going when you feel like you’re failing, and to trust yourself when the world tells you not to.

But you were made for this. Your body, your intuition, your love; they’re your most powerful tools.

So if you’re trying to find your place in parenting… start with you. Not the books, not the influencers, not the “experts.” Start with your truth. Follow your instincts. And give yourself the same grace you give your child.

You’re doing better than you think.